The Infamous "Annie and the Skunk" Saga

The following incident truly did happen to me....eight years, and a lifetime, ago. It is one of my absolute favorite funny memories. Of course at the time it was not funny at all. Now it is pure hilarity in every form. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

February, 2005

OK, so there I was, being the good daughter, cleaning mom's house. As I took my leave, I was feeling pretty good about life.... mom’s house was clean…the dentist appointment went well…I would be home in time for Jeopardy...life was good!

I pulled out of my parking spot and started around the drive that I had used EVERY TIME that I had gone to mom's house for TWELVE years. I drove about ten feet and realized...uh oh... I AM STUCK!!!!! OK, no worries, I would just get mom and she would operate the van while I pushed.

I got mom, told her to gently accelerate in reverse. Now folks, I know my mom. Why I even asked for her help is beyond me. I love my sweet mama, but she is not the go-to person for anything mechanical. This includes getting a van unstuck. 

She got in and FLOORED it! I mean, mud everywhere. I pushed and I was making headway. I was feeling strong, I was feeling muscular, I was feeling mud up and down my entire body! We are not talking about a little mud either; I mean my pants were covered, my shoes were goners, my shirt was weeping.

My mom got out of the van and started laughing so hard she had to cross her legs and hobble inside to use the restroom. She called Bob. God bless Bob. He came to my rescue, pulling my van out of the mud, under the watchful eye of my mom.  I was finally on my way home.

Since my clothes were thoroughly covered in mud, my mom gave me some of her clothes to wear home. Y’all, I am 5’9” and my sweet mama is 4’11”. I have absolutely nothing against short people. However, I threw on a pair of her sweat pants and a sweatshirt, and looked like I was on my way to a flood. The sleeves of the sweatshirt went up to my elbow. The bottom hem of the pants went halfway up my shins.  No joke. I didn’t even worry about shoes. There was no way I would fit into any of her shoes. I just borrowed a pair of her old socks and went shoeless. In the middle of winter.

Sticking with the theme of the evening, my gas tank was on empty, so I had to go to the gasoline store looking like the creature from the mud lagoon. There was mud on my face and in my hair also. I was putting $30 in my tank, praying no one would show up at the gasoline store before I could make my exit. I got  to $28 before another car arrived on-scene. I talked myself into remaining calm because, “Hey! It’s Wheatfield, we are all hillbillies, right? I will fit right in!” Of course the fashion police arrived in the form of teenagers from the local high school. They took one look at me and thought, “Honey, go home and think about what you went out in.”

I survived the gasoline store, and started on home. Mom has pretreated my pants with some ammonia-based mixture, and placed them in a brown paper bag. The fumes were slowly killing me. I rolled down all of the windows to get some fresh air. As I did, BAM!!!! I hit a skunk! I mean come on folks! The night had to get better, right? Nope. It didn’t.

The skunk's final act before departing this world was to accurately spray into my van, through all of the open windows. Now I was driving home, windows down, crying and throwing up because of the smell. I was muddy, cold, and smelly.

I finally got home and the first thing JP wanted to know was why I did not go to a car wash. I thought he was joking. He was not. I started crying harder. I got the frozen hose out to spray off the van, and he said I need a pressure washer. Duh. I knew that. I just did not have it in me to drive all the way back into town.

JP told me to go inside and take a shower (I really was that smelly), However, I did not want to get my entire house smelly. My solution to this dilemma was to go downstairs and undress, placing the offending clothes right into the washing machine.  After I did this,  I then remembered something...I had to run through the unheated entryway in the middle of winter with no clothes on!

I was smelly, muddy and freezing, all the while sobbing. JP just stood there, continually asking me why I was crying. Now, I love my husband, but this was too much. Guys, if your wife is muddy, smells like a skunk and is standing naked in the freezing cold entryway, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

I hopped in the shower, also taking a bath for good measure, and went to bed, thinking that I would do better in the morning. No such luck.

 The next morning, I emptied an entire bottle of Febreeze on the van’s upholstery, saving a few squirts, and dro,ve 25 miles to work at 6:15 a.m. with the windows down, in the middle of February. I got to work, sprayed MYSELF with Febreeze for good measure, and went into the school. I hunted down the janitor (who was the only other person at school at that time of the morning), told him my story, and make him tell me if I smell. After splitting his sides from laughter, he said, "No, you smell just fine."

 I left the windows of my van down for obvious reasons. All throughout the day I had concerned staff members tell me that my windows are down. At lunchtime, I finally I went out and rolled them up.

We sold that van a few years later. The skunk smell never did totally go away.

“A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” ~Hugh Sidey.

~Annie