My Journey Through Debt: Part 8A: Contentedness With Who I Am

Probably the biggest step for me to take in my debt journey, after Realization, was learning contentedness.

 The definition of “content” is, “In a state of peaceful happiness. (Adj.)” and  “A state of satisfaction. (Noun)” I derived from this that in order to be content, I had to come to a state of peaceful satisfaction.

My frame of mind was far from peaceful or satisfied. I was in constant worry. Worry about the accumulating bills. Worry about the mail (and consequently the credit card bills) arriving at the house before I got home. Worry about JP finding me out.  I was also completely dissatisfied. Dissatisfied with how I looked. Dissatisfied with my clothing. Dissatisfied with my possessions. Dissatisfied with my life.

I tried to satiate myself by buying more stuff. I would get a little bit of happiness from the purchase, but then reality would set in, coming along hand-in-hand with worry about the money I had just spent. This would lead to dissatisfaction. Which would lead to me purchasing more stuff.

The cycle was never-ending, repeating itself over and over, until I was found out. Once I no longer was able to remain in the crazy cycle, I found a relief. Do not get me wrong. I was not happy, nor was I joyous. However, there was an inkling of peace.

The peace came from knowing that I had a plan. I would, eventually, be able to crawl out from under the mountains of debt.

As time marched on, the peace inside of me grew. It grew into satisfaction. I came to understand that material possessions or people couldn’t give me happiness or joy. In order to find absolute contentment, I had to look inward.

For most of my life I had been a people pleaser. Sadly, a great majority of my debt came from trying to please others…through gifts…through purchases…through me spending money on people that I wanted so desperately to impress. Once I figured out that those people were just using me, I was able to curtail most of my spending.

I was spending money I didn’t have, on people I didn’t like, in order to impress them with things I didn’t need. All along, God was whispering to me that I didn’t need to spend that money. That those that wanted to be my friend would love me and want to be around me, even if I had no money, that my true self worth was not to be found in stuff.  And you know what? He was right y’all.

Once I found my true self worth in Christ, I became much more confident in telling people “no.”  I no longer felt the need for their acceptance. I no longer cared what they said or thought about me. I was completely satisfied in being me.

As is usually the case, once the money well dried up, the users moved along, leaving me with mountains of debt. I hold no animosity towards them. All I feel is sympathy and pity, for they, themselves, are not content with their own lives.

As I regained the peaceful satisfaction of life, I was able to focus on those things that truly meant something to me. More on that in a later post.

As you walk this journey through debt with me, do not feel disheartened. I am sharing my journey with you in hopes that it will help others come to their own realizations. That the debt cycle will be fought and conquered. Many of you write to me, sharing your own debt stories. As I have said, we are all in this together. One day we will all be able to stand up and be free of the weight, the shame, and the worry that debt brings upon us. You can do it. I know you can.

As Thomas Jefferson said, “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

~Annie